Church of Satan Says Pelosi Still Allowed to Receive Satanic Eucharist

POUGHKEEPSIE, NY—After being denied Holy Communion by Archbishop of San Francisco Salvatore Cordileone, the Church of Satan has graciously contacted House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to remind her that she is still eligible to attend the Satanic Eucharist. It is like the normal Eucharist, but diabolical.

“The Church of Satan welcomes everyone,” the church said in an official statement. “Although President Pelosi claims to be a devout Catholic, she advocates for the legal killing of babies and leads a life of self-worship that is inspiring to behold. She would be a great addition to our congregation!”

Pelosi was flattered by the Satanic invitation and called the Church of Satan “a pillar of the American community.”

“I don’t know why Pelosi would want to be Catholic if she doesn’t believe in everything Catholics do,” said Satanic High Priest Peter Gilmore. “She should join us at the Church of Satan. We wear cool dresses and drink blood and play D&D!

High Priest Gilmore, who plays a chaotic level 20 necromancer on Sundays, is said to be a skeptical atheist who enjoys wasting his time in a false religion for no reason. Sources within the Satanic Church reveal that Pelosi would be a perfect fit, as all she does is do whatever she wants without consequence, just like them.

As of press time, Pelosi visited a Church of Satan in San Francisco and slaughtered a black lamb on an obsidian altar in the middle of a dark cathedral hewn from the stone of pain. She then made a loyal Level 1 evil drow fighter and sat down for an epic game of high adventure.

In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York, the dedicated detectives investigating these vicious attacks are members of an elite team known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

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Martha J. Finley